For David

Here I am again after a lengthy absence. There have been many changes since my last posting. The most important is the passing of my father-in-law, our only surviving parent. I wrote of some of my feelings as I sat with him the last few weeks of his life.

I see a man I've known for years,
A man who took care of everyone,
Now frail and sick,
Needing others to care for him.


I see a man of strength and weaknesses,
A human being with imperfections,
A man who cared about family,
But sometimes couldn't show it.

I see a man I've grown to love as a father,
Now failing before my eyes,
But smiling when he hears my name
For a litttle while, until his mind clouds again.

I see a man reduced to a single bed,
Half a closet,
Some pictures on a wall,
And wonder why, or if it matters?

I see gentle hands and hurried hands
that touch him now,
Hands that care,
And hands that are just doing a job.

And I wonder, where are the hands that
he held for so many years?
Where is the forgiveness that is sought
In an unspoken plea?

I see a man that has asked for
Forgiveness from his God,
And know that others must do the same,
And in that forgiveness there is peace.

And at last I see a man who is near the end
of his journey here,
Where pain and struggling cease to exist,
And his spirtual path is completed.

I knew a man that allowed me to
Share his final moments,
As he took his last walk with God
Leaving a bond that can not be broken.

David Winzer Benson was a gentle, kind man who affected many lives in his community. His absence will be felt greatly by those who knew and loved him. He quietly passed on November 16th, 2006 and life for me will never be the same.

Race in a Midwestern Town

OK, I've checked my blog and apparently I am writing to myself. That's alright, introspection is a good thing.

Tonight I am going to write about my experience with racial discrimination at the suggestion of some of my friends. Let me first say I am white. What could I possibly relate you might ask?

I'll start from the beginnning. Back in 1971 I lived in a mid-sized Midwestern city and met my future husband at a community hospital. We were both students in a Nursing Aide and Orderly class there and decided we liked each other. By the way, he is not white, he is African-American. Since we were both young, healthy adults, we began to date.

Here's where it gets interesting; when our instructor got wind of our relationship, the s___ hit the fan. We were both counseled individually but were given vastly different messages! I was told that I was being very suggestive with the males in my class, so I was being placed in the newborn nursery to work (I was). I was to limit my contact with my then boyfriend and if we were at lunch in the cafeteria, we were forbidded to sit alone at a table. I was 19 years old, very shy and basically just sat there throughout the woman's blatantly racist ramblings.

My husband had a completely different exchange. First, he was told that they knew I was "pursuing" him and that I was being put on probabtion. He was not shy and inexpereinced and told the instructor that she was completely mistaken and that HE had pursued ME. Needless to say there was also some dialogue about racism and legal action. He was not told anything about being forbidden to sit alone with me or any other "restriction".

Why didn't I report that instructor? Was it my own racism? I can't answer that. What I can say is that we were married in 1972 and had 3 children and now have 2 grandchildren. We are both Registered Nurses, he has a BSN, I have an MSN. Where is that instructor (who happened to be an LPN)?

Good question....

Aging and All That......

I wrote this great piece on what aging means to me but temporarily displaced it:( So, here goes again. What was really on my mind was that awhile back I read an article about pharmaceutical companies recruiting cheerleaders for their sales force. That article forced me to acknowledge my fear that I am working in a very precarious environment. You see, I work in Sales. And I am not now, nor have I ever been, a cheerleader. I have been going along my naive, merry way deluding myself into thinking I was in my current position because of my many years of rich and varied experience as a nurse. What a shocker to learn that my contemporaries are all younger than my children and with less life experience! Go figure!

I have since settled down and decided it's OK to be fifty-something. I DO have a rich and varied professional history as well as a bright, fulfilling future. Let those pharmaceutical companies hire all the 20-somethings they want, I'd rather be me.