UPDATE:
This post is from 2015 but was in a draft form and I published it tonight, February 12th, 2024! My job at Cerner had just been abolished, their favorite thing to do yearly. I was also eligible for “voluntary”retirement or I could apply for another position at CERNER within 60 days. I took the voluntary deal which offered enough money I could stay home for awhile. I still struggled. I ended up not finishing my doctorate as may husband got sicker. I used his illness to provide a way out of a degree I no longer wanted or valued. Donald died 3 years ago but we had moved back to Topeka, KS so he was closer to the children and grandchildren before he died.
Again I can't sleep. This means tomorrow, er later this morning, my dog will wake me around 0800, I'll let him out, and then I will go back to bed until at least noon, probably longer. I have to do lists that I keep putting off and things like bills and taxes don't get done. I am working on my doctorate and that work is stalled too. Will I ever feel productive again?
Putting on a face that doesn't make people uncomfortable is the norm. I think it is for most people that are really going through hell on the inside but want to abide by social niceties by appearing to be happy. Much is written about how unhealthy it is to deny one's feelings but that is not reality. The expectation is to make everyone you meet comfortable and your friend. This is especially true for women who are trained early on that being one of the popular kids is what defines success.
I have always been a loner. I spent many years blaming my parents for my personality since there is plenty of evidence to support nurturing and stability are part of the foundation that defines a healthy human being. I didn't have much of either growing up. But my parents had their own struggles and I am sure did the best they knew how, My father grew up in a dysfunctional home, ran away at 15, joined the Army during WWII and was captured during the Battle of the Bulge. These experiences profoundly affected him his entire life. I know he suffered from PTSD that resulted in I don't know how many jobs, but I do know I attended 26 schools before dropping out after my junior year. We crisscrossed the country and loss was a common occurrence; loss of friends, loss of material things because many times we had to sell everything to finance our trips and loss of security.
My Mom was the little sister of two brothers and I think her father's favorite. Even though she lived through the Depression, I always had the impression she was pampered. Not that my grandparents were wealthy, but they were small business owners for a time and my grandfather held other blue collar jobs. She was a few weeks shy of her 17th birthday when she went out on a blind date with my Dad and married him the next day. My Dad's step-father was a minister who married them and they stayed together 46 years. They had seven children, one who died from "crib death" or SDS at 6 weeks from which my Mom never fully recovered.
Alcohol was a resident in our home too and Dad''s best friend. My Dad was a loner himself and a brilliant man but never completed his college degree. I think now he also had ADD. He loved to occupy himself in a basement or garage with one of his passions, ham radio and old cars and trucks. His other passion was wine. My Mom dropped out of high school and felt she wasn't intellectually my father's equal, an impression he didn't do much to dissuade. But my Mom was not only smart, but she was also a very dynamic person, a "firecracker" who at 5'1 and 98 pounds could hold own with anyone. I adored her and wished I was more like her. Over the years she became chronically ill with respiratory and cardiac problems but remained the strength of the family until her death at 62 years of age.
I didn't mean to go into all that family history, but my early environment still plays a part in who I am today. I obviously finished high school by attaining a GED and through many years of work and sacrifice by my own family, I attained a master's degree in nursing when I was 39. Now 63, I am 9 months or so away from completing my doctorate, that is if I can motivate myself to actually be productive instead of just talking about it.
On the whole I have had a good life. Married for 42 years with three grown children and nine beautiful grandchildren. My husband has some serious health issues but is active and stable. My children and grandchildren are healthy and a joy beyond words for the most part:) Some of the kids have had financial difficulties but have persevered and are moving forward.
I guess I write because all is not good. I have a story not unlike many others. One day I had a job that I thought was secure and then after one phone call I was completely severed from the company I worked at for 12years. No goodbyes, certainly no send-off parties, it was like I never existed. That is the toughest part. Now my childhood prepared me for loss, but this feels like a death I am trying to recover from. I meditate, read Buddhist books, think, look for silver linings, all that, but I am still in mourning.
I will recover. I know that. But I am so tired of acting like everything is fine right now. But again, that is what society expects.
Putting on a face that doesn't make people uncomfortable is the norm. I think it is for most people that are really going through hell on the inside but want to abide by social niceties by appearing to be happy. Much is written about how unhealthy it is to deny one's feelings but that is not reality. The expectation is to make everyone you meet comfortable and your friend. This is especially true for women who are trained early on that being one of the popular kids is what defines success.
I have always been a loner. I spent many years blaming my parents for my personality since there is plenty of evidence to support nurturing and stability are part of the foundation that defines a healthy human being. I didn't have much of either growing up. But my parents had their own struggles and I am sure did the best they knew how, My father grew up in a dysfunctional home, ran away at 15, joined the Army during WWII and was captured during the Battle of the Bulge. These experiences profoundly affected him his entire life. I know he suffered from PTSD that resulted in I don't know how many jobs, but I do know I attended 26 schools before dropping out after my junior year. We crisscrossed the country and loss was a common occurrence; loss of friends, loss of material things because many times we had to sell everything to finance our trips and loss of security.
My Mom was the little sister of two brothers and I think her father's favorite. Even though she lived through the Depression, I always had the impression she was pampered. Not that my grandparents were wealthy, but they were small business owners for a time and my grandfather held other blue collar jobs. She was a few weeks shy of her 17th birthday when she went out on a blind date with my Dad and married him the next day. My Dad's step-father was a minister who married them and they stayed together 46 years. They had seven children, one who died from "crib death" or SDS at 6 weeks from which my Mom never fully recovered.
Alcohol was a resident in our home too and Dad''s best friend. My Dad was a loner himself and a brilliant man but never completed his college degree. I think now he also had ADD. He loved to occupy himself in a basement or garage with one of his passions, ham radio and old cars and trucks. His other passion was wine. My Mom dropped out of high school and felt she wasn't intellectually my father's equal, an impression he didn't do much to dissuade. But my Mom was not only smart, but she was also a very dynamic person, a "firecracker" who at 5'1 and 98 pounds could hold own with anyone. I adored her and wished I was more like her. Over the years she became chronically ill with respiratory and cardiac problems but remained the strength of the family until her death at 62 years of age.
I didn't mean to go into all that family history, but my early environment still plays a part in who I am today. I obviously finished high school by attaining a GED and through many years of work and sacrifice by my own family, I attained a master's degree in nursing when I was 39. Now 63, I am 9 months or so away from completing my doctorate, that is if I can motivate myself to actually be productive instead of just talking about it.
On the whole I have had a good life. Married for 42 years with three grown children and nine beautiful grandchildren. My husband has some serious health issues but is active and stable. My children and grandchildren are healthy and a joy beyond words for the most part:) Some of the kids have had financial difficulties but have persevered and are moving forward.
I guess I write because all is not good. I have a story not unlike many others. One day I had a job that I thought was secure and then after one phone call I was completely severed from the company I worked at for 12years. No goodbyes, certainly no send-off parties, it was like I never existed. That is the toughest part. Now my childhood prepared me for loss, but this feels like a death I am trying to recover from. I meditate, read Buddhist books, think, look for silver linings, all that, but I am still in mourning.
I will recover. I know that. But I am so tired of acting like everything is fine right now. But again, that is what society expects.
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